What is behind children’s tears and why it is so important to be near when the child is bad? Says family psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya.
From the moment the child is born, the child becomes the center of the family. Parents, grandparents take care of the baby, worry about whether he ate, slept well, try to please him in every possible way. The child receives information day after day that he is accepted in the world, he forms confidence – “everything is fine with me, I am rightfully here”. Children who have formed this sensation bear a charge of confidence, can calmly and constructively respond to criticism, find exits from difficult situations.
If the child was deprived of a family or parents did anything, but not to them, if he did not form the belief that he exists in the world rightfully, even having matured, he will perceive any problem as a catastrophe that cannot be experienced. It is difficult for such a person to learn from his mistakes, he becomes very vulnerable, anxious, aggressive.
For an adult, the number of frustrations experienced by the child seems to be prohibitive. But the child copes
We come to the world absolutely helpless, we cannot take care of ourselves. Our survival, the ability to become an independent and responsible person completely depends on whether we will have “our adult”, the one who is ready to care, protect, sacrifice his interests for us. It does not have to be superpowered, smart or strong. He must only consider the child his, take care of him, protect him.
Ideally, each of us should have “our adult”, next to which it is calm and safe, which is with the child regarding attachment – the attitude of protection and care. It becomes a bridge for children to life, passing through which they will develop and gradually become independent.
Having learned to walk, the child begins to actively explore the world: he constantly touches something, studies, he climbs somewhere. And, of course, when he learns so actively to everything, he very often experiences frustration – a negative experience associated with failure, inability to get the desired.
I climbed onto the sofa – fell, played with the door – pinched his fingers, reached for the cup – the cup broke, wanted to eat candy – my mother did not allow … and so every day! For an adult, the number of frustrations experienced by the child seems to
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be prohibitive. But the child copes. And first of all, this is possible due to the fact that in any difficult life situation to overcome frustration, he turns to “his adult”. If he is a little upset, it is enough for him to stand next to his mother, if the frustration is strong, then he needs to be taken on the handles, hugged, comforted.
We are social creatures, we get support and protection in relations with loved ones. When we are faced with something that causes too strong, unbearable negative emotions that we cannot cope with, it is important for us to get support.
It is necessary that some person provide himself as a container, psychological womb, created a safe cocoon between us and the world, so that in this cocoon we can safely survive any strong feelings. Thanks to this mechanism – containing (from the English word Container – “container”) – a person leaves a state of stress mobilization. The universal method of containing – hugs.
For an adult, there may be enough conversation, attention. It is important for him to get a signal: “I am not alone, they will take care of me, I can not worry about my safety”. This is especially important for the child, since it is impossible to experience frustration and at the same time take care of security. And a sense of insecurity prevents him from developing.
In general, the child has two main states: “I want to mom” and “Mom is near, how interesting everything is”. When the child is near parents, for example, on a walk in the park, he is busy researching the world. But if suddenly parents are not nearby, he stops the study until the parents are found and contact with them will recover.